Am I lost or I am just changing into a new person.

Am I lost or I am just changing into a new person.

Have you ever been told you aren’t the person you used to be? Have you ever felt like you lost yourself along the way in life? Do you just feel like something is missing in your life?

The person I am today I can now admit that I was lost long before I even realized  I was.  I was lost in being a wife way before I ever even thought of becoming a mom. I was so forced on working on my marriage, we went through a very hard. We were growing up and had to make major life decisions to better us and our future family. When we where finally in a great place again we had decided to finally begin our family and that didn’t go as we planed at all. (I promise I’ll write more on that soon its a whole blog by itself)  

The stress of trying to start a family and going through years of it just not happening was starting to really take its tole on me and who I was becoming.

At the end of September 2014 I found out I was finally pregnant.  Within 48 hours of finding out I was already starting to miscarry that baby.  That was the worst time for me in my life. I was depressed for months.  I was LOST. I would stay in bed.  I didn’t know why it had to happen to me.  What did I do wrong.  What was the lesson I was meant to learn from this?  Raymond, my family and my friends were very supportive throughout this time. 

Two weeks before Christmas (that same year) I woke up and just felt the need to go to church.  I got dressed and went to the church that I had grow up in.  This was the start of me finding myself again.  I went back slowly at first and then more and more.  After a while I joined a new women’s bible study. That was the beginning of me really starting to see that either I was lost. Or was I changing?

It started to get easier when I would hear that someone else I knew was pregnant.  A few years pasted and we were still trying to have a baby. I was trying to not let the the medicine get the best of me because it had in the past.  We had talk about adoption and even got a last minute call asking if we wanted to adopt a set of twin boy,  but who has the amount that they wanted for adoption just laying around.  Not us for sure, this just throw me right back into my depression. I had to really fight now to let myself get lost again. I had come so far.  Then a few shorts months laters we found out we were pregnant!

Pregnancy was the best and was so easy and natural for me.  I was coming into myself for sure.  After Connor was born in September 2017. I truly was in the happiest time of my life.  Being a mom was the best and I was made to be a mom. I nursed him for a little over a year.  I had gotten my happiness back for sure.  But was I back to being myself or was I becoming the next new me?

My New Year goal for 2019 was to get back to being not just a wife and a mom but to being me.  I started taking care of myself more.  I got my hair cut and colored, and I got a facial. I really started to feel like me again. Finally I went clothes shopping for myself to get spring and summer clothes that would fit me.  It felt nice to get dressed and ready.  I was never really a make up person.  I never really had to wear it for work or anything so I used to only wear it to church or if we had some place to go.  I began to try out new things and found that wearing makeup made me feel I was put together and cute. Even Raymond began to see that I was happier when I would spend the time to fix myself like I call it lol.  That lead to my Instagram page and now this blog. I find that with me being a happier person that it has lead to my family being happy. I’ve also learned to speak my mind about things that are bring me back down. If I’m happy and in a great mood it helps put Connor and Raymond in a happy mood too.

I need to remind myself that I am still me. Taking my Fridays while Connor is at school to just myself or to spent time with Raymond when he is home is a great help.  I can’t say that I won’t fall back into that rut but I can say that I will try to not go back.  I’ve said it before and I’m sure I’ll say it again.  Being a mom is a full time job and you have to remember not to get lost in it.  I try to treat myself to a $6 coffee at lest once a week.  Don’t have the extra money? Not a problem use your treat yourself as time. Your time is special, even if it’s just a relaxing bath after the little ones are asleep. I love looking at other mom’s stories about how they deal with the day to day struggle of being a mom.  It my time to myself after Connor is asleep.  This blog has also become something I look forward to doing.  I know this is only the third one but taking the time to write out ideas of what I want to talk about and different points to put in it is very peaceful. Sharing things I use, a sale I find,  or just want is going on in our life on Instagram is quickly becoming a daily thing that I love to do. I recently did a giveaway and I had so much fun with it.  I got to show my followers my bubbly side. I love when people I’ve known for years stop me and tell me that they see me changing and how happy I’ve been lately.  Those small simple compliments make me feel so great and really helps me to know I am on the right path.

Finding yourself will not be the same path I had.  I found mind was when I gave it all to God.  I prayed about it and He pointed me down the road I’m on today.  I’m hoping that my path will lead me down new roads with my blog and Instagram.  My biggest hope is my path will lead my family down a road of loving, fun, great family memories for years to come.  Your path will be different from mine and that’s not wrong its just your path.  You’ll find different ways to help guide you back to yourself.  Keep in mind that when you are happy your family will be happy as well.  Find what is right for you and your family.  No matter the stage you are in: trying to be a mom, new mom, full swing mom, empty nest mom, or grandma.  If you are lost reach out to someone and really try to find your happy again. 

So the question still remains, was I lost or was I changing?  I say it is both.  I was lost in so many ways, but being lost changed me.  I am still me.  I am still that loud, fun, loving, caring, hard working person.  Just know I’m a little happier, stronger, and more put together.  

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