Journey to having Connor

Journey to having Connor

Like most little girls I always loved playing baby dolls because I got to be mommy.  Kids were always a joy to be around.  When I was 13 I became an aunt to twin girls, they were my real life baby dolls. I knew being a mom was what I was meant to be in life.  During high school there was a good number of girls every year having babies.  I thought at that time I was ready to be a mom.  Not my smartest years lol.  But God knew better and never let that happen. You must be thinking what does any of that have to do me becoming a mom at the age of 30?  Well the journey really began then.  

When in high school I had the worse problems when it can to my cycle.  I would get very sick. I would just run out of class to the restroom. I even had teachers call my mom to ask her if I was pregnant. This was every month all month.  I would be on my cycle for 2-3 weeks at a time.  At times I was on the shot and the pill. My cramps would be so bad that I would have to ball myself up to help calm them down.  This went on for years.  

Like I said when in high I thought I was ready and even right out of high school too.  The boyfriend I had at that time was already a dad, so we tried to have our own.  Nothing ever happened.  Looking back now I’m glad it didn’t happen.  (so glad he isn’t in my life – trouble for sure lol)  

Raymond and I started dating January 2007, by March we had moved in together.  Around August that same year we joked with my mom and told her we wanted to get married before the end of the year. To our surprise she was all about it.  That night we talked about really getting married but knew that it wasn’t going to before the year was up.  May 03,2008 we said “I Do.” I swear from that day forward I should have started charging people a dollar every time they would ask us, “When are you going to have a baby?” I would be so rich hahaha.  I was 20 and Raymond was 24 when we got married. Most of our friends already had kids, but we knew we wanted to wait a little while.  Our plan was to buy a house, get our finances in order, and then have a baby.  We brought our home in 2009.  A few years went by and we finally said “let’s try for a baby.”  So to the doctors I went.  He had already knew about the problems I have with my cycle.  This was also the time that the HPV test and vaccines were coming out.  I got tested because it was suggested by my doctor just to be safe.  My test came back that I did have a form of HPV.  The form I have can cause cancer and infertility.  Those are two words no 22 year old wants to hear come from her doctor.  This is where our journey really took a turn.  

I wasn’t going to let that get to me.  My doctor told me just because I have the chase of these problems doesn’t mean that I will have them.  So I got off of my birth control and we just let it be.  At about 6 months of trying I started having these huge cyst.  I was in the worse pain. I had a check up to see what was going on.  He could tell that the paint i was having was because one of the cysts had popped.  With the amount of fluid it had to have been a very big cyst.  He also found a second one that was the size of a golfball.  Most doctors do not consider it an infertile issue until a year of trying, but with my past cycle problems, the HPV, and now the big cyst we had reason for conciser.  

I started talking Clomid and Dopamine (I believe that was the name if them) to try and boost my chances.  The clomid really got to my emotions, poor Raymond.  We ran hormone level test.  We made sure my tubes weren’t blocked.  We even would do shot boosters to help.  After about another year of trying it was time to stop the meds and give my body a break.  A few months went by.  I started to feel a little different. I never thought much of it when I would miss my cycle because sometimes I would be a week to two weeks late.  When after realizing I was almost a month late I started to notices that my boobs where hot. So after work one night I took a best.  It was September 30, 2014.  I will never forget that.  I will also never forget the look on Raymond’s face when I told him. I went that next morning to do blood work to make sure. While getting ready to go to dinner for Raymond’s birthday we got the call that I was pregnant but only about 3 week according to my levels.  Before we even left for dinner I started to spot.  Raymond wanted so bad to tell his family the good news, but I didn’t want to.  I was so scared due to the spotting, but I hadn’t told him about it.  The whole dinner I would get up and go check myself.  By the time we got home I had to tell him because it was getting heaver.   Around 4 am that morning I woke up to this pain I can’t begin to tell you about.  I went right to the bathroom and what I found looked as if someone had put a big piece of lever in my hand.  I knew what this meant.  Waking up your husband on his birthday to tell him he has to take you to the doctors for that reason is so hard. 

As I explained in my last blog that was the beginning of my lost time.  I waited about 6 months before I was ready to start trying again.  During that time my doctor told me he was going to be retiring so I had to find a new OBGYN.  The doctor I choose to go with was very good at his job., he came very highly recommend by a number of family and friends.  One of my friends even seen him while she was having trouble getting pregnant. One of the reason I choose him was because he had a friend he would consult with.  She would let him know all of the things he could do in his office before sending his patients to her.  We started the Clomid and another drug (I can’t remember the name) again.  We would check every few days during pike time and I would get a boost shot to help the eggs release.  He even finally got Raymond to agree to go get checked to make sure it wasn’t him.  Which it wasn’t, that man had super spam. Another year and a half went by and we where finally at the time we knew I needed to go see the specialist.  

We decided we need to take time and weight all of our options.  Should we go to the specialist or do we adopt?  October 2016 we were asked about adopting two boys, but money was tight and it wasn’t an option. Adoption and IVF are both very expansive.  How would we could up with that kind of money? We looked into personal loans, refinancing our home, and even thought about asking our family for help.  We choose to take it one step at a time.  First we needed to call the specialist and book the consult to talk with her.  So once the first of the year came around we had our plan as to what we would do with our tax return.  We enjoyed our Christmas, New Year, and a visit from family!  January 14, 2017 I was at work when my app dinged and asked why I hadn’t marked my cycle yet?  I got to thinking!  Why am I late? Why are my boobs hot?  I came home and Raymond said “don’t stress let’s enjoy our weekend. The weather is perfect.”  So that’s what we did, we enjoyed our weekend.  But come Monday January 16, 2017 I couldn’t wait to pee on that stick.  Those two pink lines was the best thing in the world.  When I called my doctor to get in for blood work his accents laughed and told me I was the third patient with infertility issues to call that morning with a positive pregnancy test.  The excitement was out of this world. All of my numbers were super high and everything looked great.  

Looking at it in writing it doesn’t look like much.  But there was countless nights of me crying myself to sleep or just because I didn’t know what else to do.  Forced smiles when others would announce their amazing news of a baby.  Lots of Facebook posts and friends being unfollowed by Raymond so that he could keep me from seeing them and going into a depressed state.  Hot flashes out of this world from the meds I was on.  Bruises on my hip from the booster shots and on my arm from blood work.  Many miles put on my car going back and fourth to my doctors 45 minutes away.  Hours and hours of me praying and asking when will it be my turn.  Weeks of bible study learning my worth and how to give it to God.  Learning that I was 1 in 4 women that go thought this.  Learning the other women I knew that was also 1 in 4.  My journey to have Connor was the hardest most rewarding journey I have and will ever be on.  I learned to not give up on a dream.  To trust in God’s plans for you.  From the time we decided to start trying for a baby to the time we finally had Connor, Raymond and I changed and grow up so much.  We learned lots of things about each other.  We came out of it stronger.  We became the best parents we can be for Connor.  The journey we took showed us to appreciate every moment that comes along on our new journey.  

Every couples journey to have kids is different.  Some are fast and happen on the first try.  Some takes years. Some lead to adoption. Sadly some lead to no wheres.  Whatever your path is know you are not the only one.  Reach out to someone you know that has or is going through it.  Not sure you know someone, find a support group on social media.  Talk to a friend or a pastor.  Don’t keep it to yourself. 

I hope that this helps at lest one woman! That it shows her that she is not alone. No matter if your journey is short or long that it’s not just you. There is always someone you can turn too.

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